staring at this blank screen has been theraputic at times. now it seems to be a reflection of the lacuna in my mind. i despise this feeling. it’s almost as though my entire body is a void, just a drain on my energy and emotions. i begin tasks with the best intentions and yet inevitably find myself confused and disoriented. i honestly cannot even tell you why i am even attempting to write a damned blog entry right now. regardless. let me bore you with seven things about me:
1. i like to listen to the peewee’s playhouse theme song every morning when i first wake up.
2. i think it would be weird to change your first name. like you’d be a different person.
3. i only eat red candies with one exception: i do eat yellow laffy-taffy.
4. i am a quitter. this makes me sad after the fact, but at the time it always seems like such a grand idea.
5. i use the word ridiculous a lot. most likely too much.
6. i just got a new research job that i’m really excited about. i start on friday and am extremely nervous.
7. i’m going to see medea next month. i’m taking a friend for her birthday. yeah, i’m that nice.
okay. that was worse that i could have ever imagined. even i got bored just typing the bullshit. fuck. yeah, life really sucks right now. i just need to be able to think…
kind of scary, and yet, i find it quite hilarious. someone recently found by blog by searching for the phrase “places to hide the bodies.” hmm, i can only hope that this person was actually searching for my blog rather than for some ideas….
p.s. r zn hl uivzprmt srts irt|ivezsg mld! rg’h wznm znzarmt! ls bvzs, xlmtizgfozgrlmh, wlip! sz! qfhg prwwrmt! bzb uli blf!
Filed under: life
i have discovered that the most awkward time to write for me is when i’m happy. it’s almost impossible. i’ve also found that it’s extremely difficult to write in times of deep depression. the times i write best are when i’m experiencing a schizophrenic episode. i feel so much more creative and the words seem to flow directly from my neurons into my fingertips without any thoughts attached to the actual words or meanings. at those times i find myself using some rather beautiful metaphors and am able to write pieces full of irony and wit. ahhh… if only i could be so capable all of the time. but alas, my episodes are few and far between. other than the writing and creativity that i associate with my episodes, it’s a good thing that they don’t happen often. i just wish it weren’t so difficult to write when i am overpoweringly happy or sad. and unfortunately, for the most part that’s what my emotions consist of. no inbetweens for me. sometimes i do think myself fortunate that i seem to just feel more than most people, but perhaps that is just me looking for a silver lining where one may not even exist. despite this, my disorder is a part of me. i may take my medication, but i know it’s still there, just waiting for me to forget one dose, which i often do. oh life. why?
