staring at this blank screen has been theraputic at times. now it seems to be a reflection of the lacuna in my mind. i despise this feeling. it’s almost as though my entire body is a void, just a drain on my energy and emotions. i begin tasks with the best intentions and yet inevitably find myself confused and disoriented. i honestly cannot even tell you why i am even attempting to write a damned blog entry right now. regardless. let me bore you with seven things about me:
1. i like to listen to the peewee’s playhouse theme song every morning when i first wake up.
2. i think it would be weird to change your first name. like you’d be a different person.
3. i only eat red candies with one exception: i do eat yellow laffy-taffy.
4. i am a quitter. this makes me sad after the fact, but at the time it always seems like such a grand idea.
5. i use the word ridiculous a lot. most likely too much.
6. i just got a new research job that i’m really excited about. i start on friday and am extremely nervous.
7. i’m going to see medea next month. i’m taking a friend for her birthday. yeah, i’m that nice.
okay. that was worse that i could have ever imagined. even i got bored just typing the bullshit. fuck. yeah, life really sucks right now. i just need to be able to think…
kind of scary, and yet, i find it quite hilarious. someone recently found by blog by searching for the phrase “places to hide the bodies.” hmm, i can only hope that this person was actually searching for my blog rather than for some ideas….
p.s. r zn hl uivzprmt srts irt|ivezsg mld! rg’h wznm znzarmt! ls bvzs, xlmtizgfozgrlmh, wlip! sz! qfhg prwwrmt! bzb uli blf!
Filed under: life
i have discovered that the most awkward time to write for me is when i’m happy. it’s almost impossible. i’ve also found that it’s extremely difficult to write in times of deep depression. the times i write best are when i’m experiencing a schizophrenic episode. i feel so much more creative and the words seem to flow directly from my neurons into my fingertips without any thoughts attached to the actual words or meanings. at those times i find myself using some rather beautiful metaphors and am able to write pieces full of irony and wit. ahhh… if only i could be so capable all of the time. but alas, my episodes are few and far between. other than the writing and creativity that i associate with my episodes, it’s a good thing that they don’t happen often. i just wish it weren’t so difficult to write when i am overpoweringly happy or sad. and unfortunately, for the most part that’s what my emotions consist of. no inbetweens for me. sometimes i do think myself fortunate that i seem to just feel more than most people, but perhaps that is just me looking for a silver lining where one may not even exist. despite this, my disorder is a part of me. i may take my medication, but i know it’s still there, just waiting for me to forget one dose, which i often do. oh life. why?
umm, yeah. what the fuck?? is that even proper english?
on an unrelated note, check out the new shirt i got.
overheard at wal-mart (of all places): “i just can’t wait to get away from all this drama…”
diagnosis: you are retarded
prescription: pull your head out of your fucking ass. there is drama everywhere you go. in fact, it is most likely that you play a large role in creating said drama.
okay, first of all i hate wal-mart and all the people who flock there on a regular basis because they love the “deals.” second, i hate the word drama. anyway, to finish off the prescription for a drama-free life…
role model: me. well, of course, right? okay, i talk a lot of shit, but enjoy a relatively dramaless (somehow dramaless is more pleasing to my palate) existence. i must say relatively because i did recently hear that there is a rumor making it’s rounds that i smashed my friends head into the wall for throwing my cell phone. come on. please. smashed his head into the wall? umm, no, though there may be some truth to the story if you change the whole “smashing head into wall” into something more along the lines of “pushed” and add the phrase “in a drunken rage” at the end or something. i’m not quite sure though. it’s all pretty unclear.
okay, back to it: stop your bitching and quit being such a fucking fat prick and maybe you won’t have sooo much drama. (yeah, i know.. “sooo” is such an ugly word, but i’m positive that’s how the bitch would say it.)
is this how life is supposed to work? it’s so strange how interests change over time. i grew up hating math and science, despite the fact that these were my strong subjects, and while i’m still like angry at numbers and shit, i can see myself pulling away from my once beloved english and finding new joys in the sciences. how is it that almost everything about a person can undergo all of these alterations, and yet leave the same substance that makes up his or her character? am i alone in this?
a few other things to ponder… how is it that all of the ugliest people on campus, myself included, find themselves in the computer science and math building around 11:00? also, am i missing something in life by not having anything to believe in? that one really bothers me. i was raised in a christian household, but never felt compelled to believe in the lies that were fed to me every sunday morning. i can’t think of anything i’ve ever believed in, besides myself and science, and i almost feel as though i am missing out on this wonderful sense of wellbeing and a general feeling of fulfillment. do you have to believe in something to make life worthwhile? i compare myself to friends that have a strong belief system, a belief system in god or buhdda or anything, and they just seem so much more well-rounded and content. it’s like they know a secret and i hate them for that. there i go. i believe in hatred. ha.
apparently all i am able to post of late is videos. despite this unsightly fact, i must post one more, as it made me giggle. hopefully this lack of inspiration will soon come to it’s ugly end.